Introduction
Have you ever wondered why asking for help feels like a personal failure every time you do it? What is so gut wrenching about admitting that you can’t do it all alone and need people to support you? This is most likely because of hyper independence. Hyper-independence is an extreme form of self-reliance where an individual insists on doing everything themselves, even when it's not necessary or when they need help. It often leads to isolation or strained relationships in a person’s life. If you relate to any of this, this blog is for you. We are going to explore why society praises self-sufficiency which leads to hyper independence and how most of the times it’s not a personal trait, rather a defense mechanism
Trauma in Disguise: What Fuels Hyper-Independence
Hyper-independence isn’t a trait that starts showing up randomly in a person out of nowhere. There is usually history behind it, even if you might not be aware of it. It might be something you have seen others around you practice and it worked out for them. It can also be because you have been betrayed, neglected or been around emotional consistency so much that your body has adapted to relying only on yourself to prevent further hurt in your adult life. If no one shows up for you enough times, you eventually stop expecting them to. More often than not, relational trauma which refers to scarring emotional or sexual experiences in previous intimate relationships has been linked to hyper independence showing up as a trauma response. It not only leaves you in an insecure attachment wound but also re-inforces the notion of staying away from people to prevent getting hurt again which can affect future healthier relationships- either with friends, romantic partners, family or even workplace.
The Invisible Hand of Culture & Capitalism
With increasing hustle culture like trends and patterns seen across the world, hyper independence has not just been limited to a trauma response from past relationships. However, it can be linked to internalized capitalism which refers to the internal belief that worth is tied to productivity. For the past many many decades, women and marginalized groups around the world have been looked at as being self-sufficient and not a “burden”. This re-inforces the idea that catering to your own needs and looking after yourself can be seen as a sign of pride, but needing help can be looked at as “being too emotional or needy”. This kind of treatment has been passed intergenerationally as a trauma response which can be the reason why certain communities including men and women carry their hyper-independent tendencies throughout their life.
Healing Isn’t Just Asking for Help - It’s Redefining Worth
Hyper independence as a response tends to trauma creates emotional isolation where people stop asking you if you need help because they assume that you don’t. It also leads to identity erosion because you might not know how to exist outside of your self-sufficiency. However, healing from hyper-independence doesn’t mean that you have to completely become dependent on people- it means being interdependent. Being interdependent means knowing your capacity to manage things and knowing when to ask for help and successfully doing so. Healing from hyper- independence is a long journey and there’s no timeline within which you have to get better. Your journey can start by letting someone in emotionally, delegating one task or sitting with the discomfort of being helped. The most important idea is that healing requires unlearning the lie that worth comes from not needing anyone. Ultimately, strength isn’t in doing it all alone. Sometimes, strength is in choosing softness after life taught you to harden
